PerFecTion

Perfection is silly. What it means and how its attempted are different for everyone. Its very subjective.

I've found that putting my best foot forward or pretending that my life is perfect ALL the time is an exhausting. Why do I do it? Why does anyone... In the age of internet friendships and blog journals i find that oftentimes people pretend their lives are perfect and nothing ever goes wrong. I don't mean airing all your dirty laundry all over public domains, but admitting challenges and hardships. It's something I HATE doing. In my life I feel that this pretending alienates people, even your closest friends.

My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. I make the best decisions I can with the information I have. I over-analyze everything and devalue my contributions to things easily. I compare myself to nearly everyone and often feel inferior to this or that. I have friends but have become so comfortable just helping them, that I forget they are there to help me too and rarely give them the opportunity to do so. I am constantly in awe of people who can easily admit they have trouble with one thing or another. Because isn't it a combination of our imperfections and perfections that really make us unique and relatable?

I am a very private person, but often I use this as an exuse not to be vulnerable in even my closest relationships. I suppose I could use different excuses that lead up to why. But the bottom line is that everyday is an opportunity to change. For example, last week really sucked. Nothing seemed to go as planned or work out. I really wanted AJ to have a fun spring break because he's been really stressed out this semester and has a terrible case of senioritis. But thing after thing went wrong, and to top it off I was blamed for something I didn't even do. Complaining to my husband wouldn't have been effective since my ultimate goal was to make his week better. So after a bunch of written and deleted messages I finally just vented to a friend of mine. While its not the first time I've done this, its one of the only times it's happened and it was really difficult. Not because I was worried about her reaction or anything, but because of my fear of admiting that I was having a difficult time with something, anything.

I was actually surprised at how much better I felt after something so simple. Its silly really, but I'm trying to be better and do scary things. So its a start.